As seen in the Dayton Daily News on April 9, 2016.
As I work in the business of helping people get organized, I have discovered how many people place such a high emotional value on their stuff that they sometimes put it ahead of having a more peaceful relationship with their partner.
Recently, I spoke with a woman who told me she and her husband have arguments over some things he is keeping and wanted my advice on how to handle it.
She said he is storing items, which he no longer uses, in sorted piles in their storage area. He is expecting her to give these belongings to his friends and relatives after his death. He has never given her a reason why he won’t give them away now before his death.
Clearly, this stuff is causing problems in their relationship. First, she’s upset because she would like to use the storage space for things they use throughout the year. Plus, she does not want the burden of dealing with it after his death. Like many of you, she’s already feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things they have accumulated over the years.
My first bit of advice was to divide the storage area into two spaces, his and hers. Marriage is a compromise after all. I instructed her to turn a blind eye to what was on his side so she could stop wasting time arguing over it.
However, she was still feeling stressed about having to deal with all of his belongings after his death. She doesn’t want to feel obligated to make sure it all goes where he intends. After all, once he passes she would be grieving his death, planning a future without him and dealing with all their other household processions.
I felt her anxiety and simply said, “Once your husband passes, the items then become yours. You can do with them as you wish.”
She was quite relieved with this solution. Simply put, no one has the right to insist you do something after their death, especially things they could have taken care of why they were living.
She needs to let him know she no longer wants to worry about these items, nor argue over them. If it’s important to him that certain people get specific things, then he should part with them now or put it in his will of how they are to be dealt with, while being fully aware that she does not want to be a part of its execution.
How sad, when you stand back from all of this and realize, it’s just stuff that is coming between their loving relationship.
We can see when excess stuff takes over a space, but what are the hidden costs? Stress, worry, anger, and hurt feelings are some of the ones we see in this couple’s scenario.
How is stuff affecting your relationships? Be it with a partner, child, parent, sibling, in-law, co-worker or your manager.
If stuff is creating turmoil in your relationships, come up with a solution that will give your relationship the importance it deserves.